Hypocrite

Hypocrite a person who pretends to have virtues, moral or religious beliefs, principles, etc., that he or she does not actually possess, esp. a person whose actions belie stated beliefs.

I have had revelations in my life that made me realize I was in fact, at that time, a hypocrite. Upon the realization, I quickly changed my actions to better reflect how I truly felt inside versus behaving how others felt I should. (it’s what got me in trouble the first time. But that’s a story for another day. Today however, I found myself in a most hypocritical state and no matter how much I tried, I could not change how I felt because the hypocrisy was in a past action of mine and my feelings toward this current situation does not in any way reflect my actions, but only how I feel about the situation.

The situation:

I got a text message from my 19 year old cousin that simply stated “hey cousin I got a b@by on the way” just like that. What did I do? I ignored the message for hours. Not because I didn’t care, but I was napping when I got the message and I didn’t want to deal with it. So when I got on Facebook later I sent her a message that basically said that I was praying it was a false alarm and if it wasn’t, then she was in a world of hurt. (not exact words, but you get the idea.)

Why I’m a hypocrite:

I had The Boy at 19. I kept him and am raising him in a single parent household. I don’t think she should keep her baby. No I’m not saying abort at all, but there is someone in our family that I know would be willing and able to take the baby, care for it, love it, and provide the proper home for it. My mother asked me why I didn’t do that. I really didn’t have a good answer except to say that we (my cousin and I) are not on the same playing field. ( I play pro football and she plays Foosball) She is not the most…mature person and she just started school. Our stories match except the maturity part, I have always been a very mature person for the most part—I still like to goof around too though. I do not believe her life would benefit from having a baby, mine did. I’m not going to apologize for any of what I’m saying because it’s all true. However what I am sorry for is not explaining to her that this is not a good life for any woman. There are rewarding moments, but overall it’s more work than play. Do I think she will ever be a good mother? Yes. Do I think that will be in 9 months? A year? Two? Highly doubtful. My son is 5 and I still work on it every day and I struggle EVERYDAY!!!! It takes a lot of emotional and financial support to raise a baby and right now, she just doesn’t have it.

Breaking up is hard to do

Why do we get in relationships in college when we know the likelihood of them leading to marriage is slim to none? It seems as though i have found myself in a relationship that doesn't want me  in it any longer, even though I'm fighting my hardest to remain a starting player in this particular game. I often find myself standing on the field waiting for the next play to be called only to realize there is an extended time out. No, we are not on any type of 'break' but it seems like we are not able to connect and we don't want to break up... so what do we do?

Now, before i continue to allow myself to make this sound like I'm complaining about some loveless relationship allow me to make a clarification...it's not! It's those moments of silence when we look into each others eyes that we feel love, unconditional, real, flawless l.o.v.e... However, love alone is not what builds a lasting relationship, it's communication, understanding, respect, devotion, loyalty, etc. In our relationship, we lack the communication and understanding. I am able to admit that i have been wrong at times and that there are things that are my fault. With this knowledge, i know where to start...

I want to go!

My sister's father is Nigerian and has been in his country for about 30 years. December 2008, she took her first trip to meet the family she has never known. How did that make me feel...JEALOUS! I can admit it, I thought she was going to get over there and fall in love with them and never want to come home. I love my sister as she is basically the only one i have. Needless to say, she came back safe and sound. However, she is a changed person. Things that we never would have said to each other prior to her trip we are now able to talk about and begin to mend our relationship. SO... I have been thinking about her trip and the family and i think i want to go. The only problem is that that shit is expensive. I don't just have $1800 just lying around. do you? if so let me know. But really, I want to not only get out of Hillbilly Hell (thanks Beth) but i also want to get out of America. There is so much world out there to see, and so many people out there that should be met. WHY AM I STUCK HERE? Because I'm a poor single parent college student stuck in a job where raises are nonexistent! Will i ever be able to go...sure i will, just not this year. December 2011, I'm in there. If you want to donate, feel free!!

My History

DOB: Feb. 13, 1986

Place: New Jersey

Parentals:Birth...unknown, Adopted...Dr. GEGE and DADDY

Kids: 'The Boy'

Sibs: 'B' and some others

Emotions: anger, love, fear, happiness, hornyness, jealousy, ambition, sadness, mourning, courage, hate, hopefulness... (i. am. woman.)

Dreams: to live life as God intended, to be a success, and to prove those people wrong

Job: pointless unless bills are due

life lesson: pay attention to those around you, over time people will show you what type of friend they are, life long or seasonal...

Scripture: Isaiah 9:6

Faith: One God, One Faith, One Baptism (in Jesus Name)

Thoughts: I can make it, no matter if you think I can or not, no matter what you say or how you feel, i will make it!!

My first time

Considering that this is my first time on a real blog network, i'm going to keep this short and sweet..... HELLO BLOGGING WORLD.... ARE YOU READY FOR ME?

lol so just a little bit about my blog, most of what is posed here will be the stuff i never say. My "secret" thoughts and feelings. I may not post everyday, but trust me, i have stuff to say!!!

So once again, Hello, and wait to see all i have to say.